Rocky Road to Renewal

By now, you all must be wondering, "Hillary's been in Korea two years already and I haven't seen anything on social media about what's happening next... where did she go!?!?"

Nah, just kidding, you probably aren't wondering about me at all, but I just don't know what to write about in my blog right now. But for those interested, I am writing this post to explain the next phase and how I got to that decision.

Earlier during the grant year, most of you know that I endured a severe injury in my Achilles tendon, thus causing me to miss nearly four months of school and vacation. After experiencing an injury to that extent (nonetheless in a foreign country and questioning the quality of the healthcare throughout the majority of it), I think that normal people would have felt they've had enough in this country and would feel eager to get back into the comfort of their motherland. Me, on the other hand, somehow got it inside my brain that, "Wow, I missed four months of my second year in Korea... welp, I guess that means I'll just have to make up for it by staying one more year!" even after all the shit that happened.

Don't get me wrong, I thought long and hard about the decision to stay - especially BECAUSE of the circumstances that have happened so far this year. But my heart just kept telling me that I wasn't ready to leave Korea yet. However, I AM ready to be in a much larger city, with more access to Westernized things (such as healthcare... but mostly food options LOL). So, for my third and FINAL year (yes, mark my words now, the third year WILL be my final year in Korea... at this phase of my life at least... hehe), I decided I will move to Seoul for a big change. And feel comfortable about going to the hospital where the doctor will actually examine me before immediately trying to chop my foot off...

Okay, this post is going everywhere. Let me refocus and explain. Core details:
- I am staying for a third and final year with the Fulbright Program.
- I will be teaching English at a co-ed high school in Seoul.
- I will have my own apartment.
- I will be home (in Illinois) this summer from July 16 until August 16.

The decision sounds easy, but it really wasn't. To be honest, it's going to be difficult for me to leave Gwangyang. I love my school, co-workers, students, all the friends I've made, the scenery, food, everything, really... Gwangyang will always be considered my "home" in Korea. But I also know that I'm a person of adventure and want to take this opportunity to challenge myself further. I know that staying a third year in Gwangyang may cause me to develop feelings of complacency, so making the change to live in a metropolitan city for the first time in my life is a huge step for me. Originally, I wanted to work at an elementary school in Seoul, to gain experience and utilize my K-12 teaching license to its full potential. However, that is another messy story to be reckoned with. Are you ready for it? Here it goes:

As much as I love teaching high school students, it's just a totally different atmosphere in Korea. For one thing, most of our classes aren't for a grade, which right there decreases motivation for the majority of students. Oh and did I mention that these kids are already forced to study 12+ hours a day in order to pass the Korean equivalent of the SAT (a test on steroids, I may add)? Yeah, so, there's typically not a lot of excitement about this job on paper. Lots of sleepy students, complaining, and yeah, the lack of motivation. Of course, there are students who are intrinsically motivated and will excel in class, but there are days where everyone feels burnt out. On the other hand, there are days where everyone is wild and out of control and overly excited. I love the students both ways, but I've definitely questioned my ability as a teacher, and whether or not I truly entered the right profession. Don't get me wrong, my students are ANGELS and I love them to pieces and I am so proud of their effort and amazing talents and personalities, but I feel ready to experience a different side of teaching in Korea. Therefore, after two years of teaching at a Korean high school, I felt ready to try out an elementary school. And I thought, "Why not? It's on my license that I'm certified to teach K-12, so let's do this!"

And so I submitted my renewal application dead set on 2 things: 1. Seoul. 2. Elementary School.
I thought my odds were good. Only renewees get placed in Seoul, and there are TONS of openings for elementary schools there. Out of our entire Fulbright Program, we only have one high school placement in Seoul. And I wasn't supposed to get it. But I did. And I was NOT happy at first. And here's how and why it happened:

I was enjoying my Tuesday afternoon in the office, free of classes, relaxing and about to pick up a book to read. Suddenly, I received a Kakao Message (texting app in Korea) from our Program Coordinator in the Fulbright Office with an urgent message. "Hillary! Would you be open to teaching at a high school in Seoul?" My heart started racing because I was sure that plenty of other ETAs had requested the only high school placement in Seoul, and I wondered why this was being brought up to me. "We've had some last-minute changes with other ETAs regarding renewal, and I need you to tell me within the next ten minutes if you're okay with ______'s high school placement in Seoul. Please let me know ASAP. Thanks!"

After asking follow-up questions, I found out that I wouldn't be guaranteed another placement in Seoul if I declined this ... "offer"? At the time, I felt trapped. This wasn't what I requested, and why did I have to be the deciding factor? It's not my fault that other ETAs changed their minds, after all. I felt a wave of bitterness and anger move through me that I hadn't experienced before. Why me? After all the shit I've been through already this grant year, I thought that at LEAST the renewal process would be a smooth transition. But it looked as if the end of my second year leading into a potential third year was not shaping up how I envisioned.

I took the ten minutes (plus some more) to call the current ETA at the school to ask questions. Luckily for me, this person is already one of my close friends in the Fulbright Program, so I was thankful for the honesty and straightforward answers. After deliberating with the current ETA, I didn't feel ready to make such an important decision. But I didn't have a choice. Again, I felt trapped. What do I do? If I don't accept this offer, then I'm not guaranteed a placement for next year. On the other hand, I don't feel ready to transition into life back Stateside yet. Should I quit Fulbright and pursue other options in Korea? Should I move to another country? All of a sudden, so many thoughts, feelings, ideas, frustrations, uncertainties, and everything else in between rushed into my brain and I was overloaded.

While my gut wasn't excited to hear about this placement option, for some reason I said "yes". After that, the official email offer was sent out, and I wasn't confident. Unfortunately, I only had two days to officially decide about my renewal decision. Now that I was "stuck" with this school, I contemplated quitting and going home, or sticking it out for a third year. So I took those two days to talk with my family, close friends, and colleagues. I needed advice. Over those two days, my decisions constantly changed. My mind said one thing, my heart said another, and my gut had no idea what to do. They were never on the same page. I took the time to try and sort out the pros and cons of every single hypothetical situation, when it suddenly dawned on me: why am suddenly I freaking out? I had been so confident about my decision to stay before I learned about the school placement.

It all became real to me with that email. I'm actually going to leave Gwangyang. I'm actually going to live in a big city for the first time in my life. And although it's not a place where I expected to be, I was offered it for a reason, and I said yes. I waited until one hour before the deadline to submit my acceptance email. I felt confident about it, but the uncertainty of everything that could happen next year held me back and scared me. Luckily, I found my true self just in time, and with the support of my friends and family, I made the decision to renew for a final year teaching at a high school in Seoul with the Fulbright Program.

As I write this now, I feel so silly to have let my emotions rush through me like that. But I'm only human, after all. And now, I feel confident, ready, and optimistic for the year ahead. I am ready to grow and expand my teaching skills in even more ways. I came to the realization that everything happens for a reason. I'm not going to fret about the elementary school/high school differentiation. Who knows, it could turn out to be a blessing in disguise. I've also never worked with Korean female students before, so the change will be new and exciting. I'll have a more consistent schedule (I will get to see my students twice a week rather than only once a week like in my current situation). I'm an optimist, and the next year is all about what I make of it.